The PLEASURE imperative

What is the Pleasure Imperative?

Explore the importance of focussing on pleasure in sexual intimacy. Reframing sex around mutually pleasurable experience can deepen connection, reduce stress, and strengthen relationships.

Most people agree that sexuality is a vital part of our selves, and being in touch with our sexual self is part of a balanced and full life. Sharing this aspect of yourself with your partner is one of the main reasons we get together and create a relationship.

Sex is important. Sexual intimacy can be the glue that holds the relationship together.

However, by sex, many people immediately think of  ‘Penis in Vagina’ sex.

But sexual intimacy is WAY more varied than that!

I often hear people call P in V sex ‘real sex’ or ‘proper sex’, which is a highly Patriarchal, penis centric view (yet I hear it from women, too)

This is part of our deep cultural conditioning around sexual intimacy, just like the outdated notion that women receive sex and men give it.

Or the terrible, limiting belief and common practice that sex is over once HE comes 🙁

Boooooooooo

The definition of sexual intimacy should include all activities, experiences or moments where sexual and sensual pleasure is given, received or shared. A curious exploration of all aspects of eroticism, not just physical intimacy but also emotional, energetic, somatic and psychological.

Sex isn’t just about penetrative acts. Nor is it only about orgasm, from one, the other or both of you. Great sex comes from being curious, interested in your partner’s responses, with an element of playfulness and joy of pleasure itself.

Sex is by nature erotic and there are a myriad of erotic activities to play with, including oral sex, digital sex, sexy massage, playing around with toys, acting out arousing fantasies, and mutual masturbation.

Activities like kissing, caressing, and massage can be deeply intimate and sexual for many people. Tantric connection practices, eye gazing (a very vulnerable and heart opening practice), energy enhancing couples breath-work and intimacy games can be sexually connecting.

Sharing a really delicious sweet treat together, feeding each other in an erotic manner, or sharing some relaxed time listening to music that uplifts while spooning naked and reminiscing on sexy times can be deeply intimate.

Dancing together. Showering together and washing each-other. Requesting to be washed, towel dried and having oil rubbed on your warm skin, carried to bed and kissed all over can be sexually intimate.

Being tied up and teased or tickled relentlessly can be erotic

Even sharing yourself emotionally can be intimate.

And then flirting, dirty talk, taking erotic photos and sexting are intimate forms of sexual expression that don’t involve physical contact, but can still connect you erotically.

These things (and I am sure you have many more not listed here) are ALL ‘proper sex’ if you enjoy them, and they bring PLEASURE.

Great sex is not just an activity, it is a state of being, a place we go to, together or alone.

Sex need not be judged for it’s frequency, duration, novelty or the number of orgasms ‘achieved’ or ‘given’. It’s not about keeping score- that’s goal oriented sex, and indeed, is rather sexually immature.

If we reframe sexual intimacy in terms of pleasure (this is called the pleasure imperative) we are more likely to want to engage in said intimacy. Because who doesn’t want to feel pleasure? Who doesn’t love seeing their partner in pleasure that you are helping to facilitate?

( I’ll list some reasons why pleasure is good for us in a moment, but if you have issues giving or receiving pleasure for pleasure’s sake, or difficulties feeling pleasure in your body, you might need to see a sex coach!)

The pleasure imperative emphasises the significance of both partners experiencing joy and satisfaction during sexual encounters, which is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship

In a relationship where you are wanting more intimate connection together, it can feel far easier to make time to share pleasure with your partner than to expect that you’ll be in the mood for scheduled (penetrative) sex. That rarely works! Centring pleasure, even when there is little to no desire for sex, can be a game changer for couples not connecting intimately.

In order to truly enjoy intimate time together (especially in those long term relationships, where the sexual spark might be getting a little dim) we need to decide to view sex in terms of pleasure rather than default to our goal oriented conditioning around penetration and orgasm and how we have been taught sex is ‘meant’ to be…..

as penetration alone is unlikely to provide peak pleasure in a female body,

and orgasm can be hard work for many,

plus everyone gets bored when sex gets formulaic,

and desire will wax and wane,

as erections can come and go,

and stress can wreak havoc on sexual functioning in all genders

as bodies can be tired, and bodies change ALL the time,

and as sometimes your pussy may feel averse to penetration or you just don’t feel much at all internally…

However pleasure for the sake of pleasure is a no brainer!

‘Pleasure is the measure of sexual wellbeing’ ( Dr Emily Nagoski )

Do you understand what I am getting at here? Sharing pleasure intimately is enough,

if you both feel you are enjoying a satisfying amount of pleasure…

Because:

Sharing pleasure is connecting and bonding in and of itself

Sex doesn’t have to mean a penis ends up in a vagina

Sex doesn’t have to end when he ejaculates

Intimacy doesn’t have to fit a prescribed idea of what ‘sex is’

You have nothing to perform, you are not on show

You do not have to have an orgasm in order to please your partner

Good sex doesn’t always mean one or both of you had an orgasm

Good sex can still be had when, for example, she is experiencing dryness, or someone has their period, or one of you has an active STI, or he is experiencing unreliable erections or is coming faster than you’d both like – because P in V isn’t the only way to have sex!

Here are a few reasons why PLEASURE is absolutely important in sexual intimacy, and it should be celebrated:

Physical Bonding: When you’re close, intimately, regardless of what body part is touching what, your bodies release the hormone called oxytocin, which makes you feel bonded and attached to each other.

Emotional Closeness: It’s not just physical—it’s also about being emotionally close. You’re sharing something really intimate, and that brings you closer on a deeper level.

Communication: There’s a lot of communication involved, even if it’s just through touch or body language. This helps you understand each other better and feel more in sync. Being vulnerable enough to ask for what you want AND get it (being open to receiving) can be incredible for your deeper connection.

Feeling Valued: When both people are feeling pleasure, and can ask for what they need to satisfied and feel cared for, it strengthens the relationship. It’s a reminder that you’re both important to each other, and that your pleasure matters.

Stress Relief: Opening up to being in pleasure is also a great way to de-stress. I know for sure, when we are relaxed, it’s easier to connect and enjoy each other’s company.

Affirming Love: It’s a way to show and remind each other how much you care, reinforcing that emotional and physical connection.

It doesn’t matter what you get up to, or even how often you have Penis in Vagina sex. What does matter is the quality of the sexual experience in terms of pleasure, alongside all or any of these reasons above. If your relationship is going through a dry spell, and you haven’t had sex in a while, what can you do to connect that also brings in eroticism? It is amazing what a little playfulness and curiosity can bring in.

De-prioritising sex is a fatal mistake (Ester Perel)

(I would clarify here, again, that sex doesn’t mean P in V, it’s whatever brings you mutual connection and pleasure)